Last time I was dealing with an overwhelming issue, I was told that the change would come only if and when I commit to do ‘whatever it takes’ to confront it. I took this powerful approach very seriously and since then have solved many demanding situations. So far, it has worked unmistakingly. So far I knew exactly what that whatever was that would get the ball rolling.
But for the last few months – ever since I finished my PhD – I have been suffering from a rather annoying little illness: a lack of purpose. I faced the problem with the whatever it takes formula. I applied for jobs, investigated options of creating yet unexisting jobs, I joined the gym, pumped the iron, started going out, started (socially) drinking and basically ruined my neat but boring daily routine. All to no avail! The result: I pedalled so fast that I dug myself even deeper into the ground.
What if now the whatever variable is to abort all action? What if whatever it takes means accepting that achieving whatever goals is not what actually makes me happy but that happiness, on the other hand, might produce some rather interesting achievements? What if the whatever it takes is to BE happy NOW as if I am already whatever I am trying to be in the future?
There is so much talk about relaxing, deep breathing, reconnecting with the body, letting go and just stop resisting. All these words are quite meaningless without the actual experience of what they are describing. And as aggravated and irritated with the present moment as I am right now, I am the first to shirk away from these so called simple truths – heck, I will even make fun of them. Actually, if I hear another ‘guru’ telling me to relax and just let go, I will probably lose that sweet and naïve baby-face momentarily and recall some of my Aikido moves.
What I can’t stand now is relaxing and letting go. Not doing is my worst enemy now. After producing 98,550 words of doctoral content, I can’t cope with not having any content. I dread silence, I fear void. Don’t tell me to calm down!
So I pedal and pedal in my little hamster wheel. Whatever it takes to avoid stillness. This is because I have wrongfully connected stillness with dullness, dullness with emptiness, emptiness with nothingness, nothingness with senselessness… you know the spiral. Actually, the other day I spent hours talking on the phone with my guru who told me to breath deeply and calm down: the answers are coming, he said. Luckily he added this bit about the answers.
He said that presence is not some abstract tasteless void. Quite the contrary, he said. It is most of all intelligence. Intelligence means information, information means direction, direction means knowledge, knowledge means action, action means purpose… you know the spiral? So I just shut the f**k up and the answers are coming? He nodded affirmatively. Crude – but in crude times, we need crude approaches.
So this is it. I am relaaaaaaaxingggg noooooowwww. I shall do nothing at all. Hopefully I will soon have some answers to share with you.
2 comments:
Glad I'm not the only hamster-wheeling crazy-woman :)
Here's to letting go and relaxing through square 1.
Oh, and for you... a little bit of celebrating too, please. You've just kicked a PhD in it's ass! So extended celebration is due!
@ Cath hahahaha, you know even if there are clearly times that could be defined as square 1, I now believe that all 4 stages of our journey are happening to us simultaneously. Like the writing of this post. I went through the whole process in one day only to hit the keyboard at 1am. And I was dreading the keyboard (in terms of creative writing) for quite some time.
Here's to accepting the hamster-wheel, having a good laugh at it and inviting it back to life if this is what needs be. :-)
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